I have yet to articulate or comprehend everything around this, so please forgive the rawness and disjointedness of what you are about to read.
Today it has been 81 days since I arrived back in New Zealand, and those 81 days have been some of the most emotionally draining days I have had in my entire life. Some mornings I would wake up and expect to see my dorm room in Eagle then I would feel the disappointment of that not being my reality. Other nights, I would cry myself to sleep because it was another day away from America. Most days I would find myself longing to be back in America with all my friends from there and the exciting new experiences that awaited me on a daily basis.
Despite all of my initial annoyance and homesickness about being away, I discovered a place that I loved and a group of friends who I loved and knew they loved me also (n.b. I'm not saying my friends here don't love me). The relationships I had built in such a short time were some of the best and closest I have ever had in my life, maybe I'm just too comfortable here and was forced to push myself more, or maybe it's different culture / way of doing things. I think it's probably both.
I really began to discover myself while I was in America, 9000 miles from "home" and I feel there is much more to discover of myself so naturally I long to be in a place that is new and fresh, where I don't have a "reputation" or "image" or perceived ideas about who I am. In the discovering of myself I believe that America had stolen my heart, stolen where I felt at home, and broken me for it. I saw a brokenness in a nation where I have now come to feel that I want to help out where I can, whether that is youth work, serving in a church, or something.
Most of you who are friends with me on facebook or follow me on twitter or whatever will know that I want to go back to America and that I am look at all my options for going back. It's a ridiculous process to get a green card and one I am still trying to get my head around my best course of action.
What I do know is that I will be going back one day, this time in the middle is the hardest. I have to view each thing I do, each day, as a step towards going back to where my heart is. I am constantly battling with feelings of depression and displacement, and seeking God in everything I remember to include him in.
This has been such a long ordeal and I know it's still going to be a while before I am settled back here in NZ, although really I don't know if I will ever be. America you stole my heart.
